We Can't Be Friends

We have probably all heard this song, performed by Deborah Cox and R.L. Singing at the top of our lungs about how hard it is to be "just friends" with someone that you are or were once in love with. The interactions you have are very different now, and it feels weird right? You're so used to running up and greeting them in a certain way, being at a social gathering with them and having sweet romantic exchanges. But, those are no longer appropriate and can cause confusion.

What about when you have an ought with a family member or a really close friend? You get into this huge altercation and now your interactions are different. You are very mindful of the things you share with them. You intentionally speak to them less and sometimes go out of your way to avoid them. I am someone who has first had experience with this in more ways than one. Sometimes, based on the offense, friendship may no longer be an option for you. That is ok! Healthy boundaries, being polite, smiling and then going on about your day, those are all appropriate and healthy ways to deal with an offense.

The issue becomes when you are unable to forgive the person. If you have found yourself in a place where simply mentioning their name makes you roll your eyes, or you cannot stomach to be in the same room with them, or you decide to leave an event simply because you heard their name mentioned, then you my friend, are not ok. Trust me, I get it! There are some conversations with people that I still need to have and the offense is well over a year old. Something C.S. Lewis said many years ago, always stuck with me even after first hearing it in college. "Being a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."

While we may be in a space where we are not able to function in the same capacity with a particular individual, we still have to forgive them of their offenses. In the Gospel of Matthew it clearly states "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matt 6:14-15) We have to be in a space where we are willing to forgive one another. It means nothing for us to go through this life and have an ought with someone and that be the one thing that keeps us from hearing "Well done." I am not married and have never been married, but I am sure forgiveness is something that constantly comes up. Couples can't walk around angry at one another all the time over an offense, that is not healthy. We can't walk around angry at family members, no matter how much they hurt you. IT. IS. NOT. HEALTHY.

I will never say that you have to engage actively in a relationship with someone who has betrayed, harmed, or traumatized you. Boundaries are important. We are to guard our heart above all else (Prov 4:23) and so it makes sense to not engage in certain conversations or to not allow yourself to go to certain spaces. But, you cannot let it stop you from living. You cannot let it eat away at your heart and stop you from creating beautiful memories in the future. Reconciliation is available and free to us all. Reconciliation is part of God's plan. Reconciliation doesn't equal friendship, it equals forgiveness.

If you are someone who needs some strategies around setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in your life, while still being a loving, forgiving, Christian, I highly recommend reading Boundaries, Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. It is a New York Times bestseller and one that has inspired many to have appropriate boundaries with some of the people they are tied to for life. Get Whole and Get Healed.

God Loves You